I have a little “ME” in me. She’s a younger version. A younger me. She comes out in so many different ways and different times – for various reasons. This “younger inner child” concept is very hard for me to understand. This is something that has come up in therapy for a while but I’ve been avoidant. To do “younger self” work I have to think about my childhood and talk about it. Thinking about my childhood is SO hard (good or bad). The good times bring this nostalgic feeling all over my body.
In a split second my stomach is full of butterflies where I feel nauseous. My heart begins to race. My knees are weak and I feel like I just did a cardio workout. And then there’s a small ounce of a “happy” feeling that is quickly pushed aside by sadness.
It’s not very comfortable to feel all these body sensations and emotions at once. This is the reason why I avoid working on my younger inner self. However, lately I’ve been able to learn how to recognize which “parts”, “reactions” and “emotions” of me really is my younger self coming out. Most of the times she is just trying to protect me.
How does that make sense?
How can a younger me possibly protect the 29 years old me? This last therapy session I had sort of a breakthrough. I shared with my therapist how bringing up my younger self or thinking about her scares me. I don’t want to “look” at my younger self. It’s too hard emotionally for me to do so and all I feel is FEAR. I fear that my younger self is going to think I’m scolding her and she’s been scolded enough. I’m afraid that my younger self will feel abandoned if I look at her and say, “Hey, it’s okay you don’t need to protect us. I know life can be scary and unpredictable but I promise I will take care of us.”
But she won’t!
I was able to visualize and feel the difference. I was able to grasp the idea of the inner child concept and understand it for myself! I was able to separate the two of us yet keep us together. She is a part of me and always will be. I don’t want to change that. I just want to change how the two of us deal with life.
I want my younger self to believe and feel that her protection through our life thus far has been appreciated. It has brought us to where we are. I want her to believe and see that I can take over from here. I want her to realize we are not the same 6 year old little girl who didn’t get the necessary protection she needed.
OCD Ramblings 