OCD Ramblings

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Writing this blog has been challenging me to try and break out of my fears of the stigma that can possibly come from you; my readers. I struggle with worrying if I said the right thing.

What are they going to think about me? I have family and friends who are reading this, what if they change their views about me? What if I didn’t describe it correctly and they think I have issues?

Then I ask myself, “What does that even mean?”

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I am who I am.

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I need to continue working on not emphasizing so much on what others might think about me. Yes, I get depressed at times. Yes, I worry and overthink everything I say or what someone has said to me. Yes, I have had trauma in life starting from childhood. No, my life is not perfect and was never perfect. Some messed up things have happened to me. There are many reasons why I was able to survive it all and be here able to share my journey with you all. One of those reasons is because of myself.

Honestly, I have to give myself a round of applause. I have this amazing brain/mind that somehow found a way to protect me. It protected the little 6-year-old in the best way it knew how. It protected the 12-year-old me the best way it knew. It protected my young adult self the best way it knew how! The best way it knew how was blocking things out and forgetting chunks of times in my life. It also knew to make sure I remember some of the sweet and fun times in my childhood.

BUT! It learned this automatic response from always being scared and unsure of what the next day might bring. This automatic response was worrying and preparing for the unknown.

• It learned to look for all the exits in a room and come up with an escape plan in a matter of seconds. (You know in case anything happens.)
• It learned to be observant of my surroundings and know what I can use to defend myself if need be.
• It learned to get angry whenever I feel attacked with words before allowing myself to be sad. (I can’t feel hurt by someone if I’m angry.)
• It learned to have back up plans for my back up plans and extra back up plans – in case the backups don’t work.
• It learned all of this because of what life threw at me in the past.
• It figured if I can do all of these things then bad things won’t happen again.

It obviously is not a bulletproof skill. 🙄 It doesn’t work. I consider myself an empath. It’s really hard for me to not feel hurt. I have a heart that will hurt for you. I have a heart that wants to make sure you’re okay always.

I wouldn’t want to change that, even though every week at therapy I complain and describe frustration towards that part of me. I wouldn’t change it because I rather feel emotions than feel nothing at all. I appreciate the part of me that feels emotions so strongly. I’m thankful for the part of me that allows me to express emotions so profoundly. I’m thankful that all the parts of me didn’t completely shut down the world and stayed angry with the cards that I was dealt.

If it’s hard for you to understand why someone worries so much about the future, I get it. If you are saying, “Just don’t worry.” Or someone who says, “Just do something to get your mind out of the worries.” I hear you. Trust me, I say the same thing to myself.

Why would I want to worry about things that haven’t even happened? How the heck does that make sense? The thing is, it’s who I am. I can’t just tell my brain, “YOU’RE SAFE! YOU’RE NO LONGER A CHILD IN A CRAPPY SITUATION. YOU’RE AN ADULT WHO IS IN CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE AND SURROUNDINGS,” and EXPECT my brain to never worry again. OR expect my brain to just turn off the switch and never be triggered again. That’s not how it works. It just isn’t.

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Trauma has an effect on our mind and bodies that is stronger than anyone can understand.

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Doing my strategies with deep breathing or identifying all the positives to knock down the negatives. Going to work or doing my hobby for a few hours. Going for a walk or spending time with friends or loved ones. All of that works!!!

The thing I’m trying to say is, I can do that every day all day long but it does not mean I will never feel anxiety or depression won’t creep back in. In the middle of hanging out with my loved ones anxiety might just want to pop up and join us. In the middle of work hours, depression might want to stop by and say, “Nope, you’re not good enough.” In the middle of an amazing date with my boyfriend and my thoughts think it’s a good time to worry about the future.

Whenever this happens, trust me when I say I immediately say, “WTF, NO! Everything is fine!” Trust me, I counter my negative thoughts with facts and prove to myself why the what-ifs are not true.

But hear me when I say, it works but a small cloud of sadness stays behind…