This cloud of sadness is an empty feeling that keeps the what-ifs alive. This cloud is filled with a ‘sense’ of going nowhere. It’s a cloud where all my guilt from my trauma lives. The guilt that makes me feel that I’m probably not destined for happiness. Probably not destined for the marriage and children I’ve so wanted for as long as I can remember. The guilt makes me feel that what happened to me defines me. It controls me.
To this day my trauma is the one who drives this vehicle of my life. It’s the one who is going to decide what happens. THIS IS THE CLOUD of sadness and emptiness that stays dormant whenever I do my strategies and techniques to get myself out of my “funk”. It stays dormant for the next time I get triggered. It stays dormant but it’s LOUD.
I feel it all over my body. I feel my throat closing up, forcing the tears to stay away. I feel my chest tightening and my lungs taking small breathes trying to keep itself from
suffocating. I feel my stomach turn with these butterflies that are not pretty to look at because soon I will realize it’s nausea and I will have to try and keep the vomit from coming up. I lose the sense of my legs, they feel so weak that it’s basically as though they’re numbed. I feel and see my hands shaking, more than usual. Maybe if I place my hands on a surface, they’ll stop shaking. Oh nope, now my entire arm is shaking. I can hear my surroundings but the thoughts in my mind are much louder. I can see where I am but I can’t focus too much on everything around me. I need to choose a spot and focus on that one spot.
I don’t want to say I can’t control it, but I can’t. I can’t control it from HAPPENING, I can only control how I’m going to react to it. And to be honest, there are some times where I just say, “Whatever, you win. Let’s feel down and out. Let’s wallow in our sorrows for a bit.”
You know why? Because it’s hard to always
stop reacting to it. It’s exhausting. It’s exhausting feeling so much. It’s exhausting trying not to react so much. It’s exhausting trying to keep myself together and not feel down to make sure the people around me are comfortable. IT’S EXHAUSTING. So if my body is exhausted and my brain is exhausted and just need a few hours or a day to do absolutely nothing and just be in my sorrows. Then why shouldn’t I allow it? Why shouldn’t I allow myself to feel sorry and to grief everything that my trauma has done, everything that my trauma took away and everything that my trauma continues to take away from me?
Remember, my brain and heart are amazing and have been protecting me since forever. I’m resilient. I have always been resilient. I will continue to be resilient. I can be down and out today and need a break but believe me, I will be back to good tomorrow. Sometimes, it’s only for a few hours. My history is proof enough that I don’t allow my mental health issues to take over and I become despondent. I APPRECIATE that part of me and so should you. I am grateful that I can get back up again after everything and continue doing what I have to do in life. I am amazed that I can do all of this and so should you. Believe it or not, I am not afraid that I will get in such a depressive state where I won’t be able to do anything for myself. I don’t worry that my mental health will get so bad where no one can depend on me for anything. I worry about so many other things, but I don’t worry about that. Why? Because, as I started this by saying. My brain and mind have been protecting me since as far back as 6 years old. It has learned to believe that the only one who’s going to be able to get me out of trouble is myself. It learned I need to protect myself before anyone or anything can hurt me, myself included.
I hope that makes sense and I hope that helps you a bit more to understand who I am or why I am who I am.