Creating this blog has been an idea of mine for a few years now, but all the thoughts that kept going through my mind wouldn’t allow me to just let go and take the leap of faith. As I sit here and write this, I can feel all of the thoughts creeping back in. The ‘what ifs’ and the dreading thought that this is going to be a disaster. Is my writing grammatically correct? Am I writing things that are right or wrong or even offensive? I mean it’s MY blog, it’s MY feelings and thoughts so how can it be wrong?
About 7 years ago, I had my first anxiety attack. The night before it happened, I was having a conversation with a friend via text about death. I have always and still do have a fear of death so I try and avoid the topic. I remember this conversation with my friend was late at night and they said they were going to sleep. They stopped responding and I just could NOT stop thinking about death and all the fears attached to it. I couldn’t possibly go to sleep, what if I forget how to breathe and I die in my sleep? *gasp* My heart was racing – I was so nervous and scared. I felt nauseous and I couldn’t stop the thoughts. In the morning, I felt relieved that I didn’t end up dying (Thank God). I still couldn’t shake off this nervous feeling and I had to get ready for work. As I was getting ready to jump in the shower, my knees got weak and I had this sudden urge to cry. I’m hyperventilating in the shower and become lightheaded.
Suddenly, everything is in tunnel vision and all I was thinking was “Great, this is it. This is how I die.”
At the time, I was a babysitter for a family of 2 boys and the mom is a psychologist. I was thinking, “I have to call the mom and tell them I can’t go to work.” (I mean, how can I take care of kids when I’m dying?) I call her and tell her, “I’m not sure what is happening but I can’t breathe and I can’t go to work.” She is an amazing person, who ended up picking me up and took me to the emergency room. On the way there, she was telling me, “I think you’re having an anxiety attack.” I was thinking, no way I’m for sure dying! I’m now in the emergency room, with my best friend and my Dad. My Dad was asking me what was wrong, but I didn’t have an answer except, “I don’t know.” This whole time, I was feeling tightness in my chest, couldn’t control my tears and was having tunnel vision. I was thinking of all the things in my life and all the people in my life.
I kept thinking, “I’m not ready to die. What is going to happen if I die? Please, God, don’t let me die!”
My best friend was being SO supportive and was assuring me that everything will be okay. I wanted to believe her, but I just couldn’t. The thoughts I had in my mind felt too REAL to believe anything but them! I ended up finally being seen by a doctor who confirmed it was an anxiety attack and I was, in fact, NOT dying (whew).
The following days from that first anxiety attack, I surrounded myself with my friends, my boyfriend, and my Dad. My boyfriend was incredibly patient and answered all of my “irrational” questions and kept reassuring me I wouldn’t forget how to breathe if I went to sleep.
I remember I slept over one of my best friend’s house later that week. Well, we went to bed and woke up at around 5 am to this SIREN! I immediately felt all the feelings again and prepared myself for the end of the world. Well, no..not exactly. Apparently, my best friend thought it was a great idea to have a loud, PURGE sounding, siren for her alarm to wake her up at 5 am. 😳 LOL
OCD Ramblings 